Need info on pall-bearers for a funeral

[Carol Ryan]

My sil has asked my husband to be a pall-bearer for his mother's funeral. I am mortified since I think my husband will not be emotionally able to do such a thing. Would this be a normal request? Dh has agreed to it already, which mean he will follow through with his committment.

I'm just surprised. Maybe this is a normal request and I just haven't been to enough funerals to know this. :confused1:

[Merrilee Morse]

Typically, yes, family members are often asked to perform this task, but they are normally asked in advance if they feel emotionally able to do so. I have been to a number of funerals where the children are pallbearers for the parent. It is usually a case where the parent is advanced in age and the the death was not unexpected, though.

[Alice R]

In my experience, yes, it is very typical.

I believe it is considered an honor to be asked. Obviously this is your husband's mother but if it is for a friend or more extended family, it is considered a compliment that you are asked to carry the person to their final resting place.

I was pleased with my mom's funeral. I was only 27 and I planned it all by myself, not an easy task when you are grieving also. But anyway, the only thing I do regret is not having paid more attention to pall bearers. We kinda grabbed some cousins in the last minute...I would've like it to have been a bit more "honorable", ya know? But whatever.

If your husband is able, it is a beautiful thing to do and I doubt he will regret it. His mother gave him life and for him to be able to carry her in her death...it's very pretty if you think of it in that way.

[Steve Lambert]

Quite normal. Family members are always asked first- and preferred. If none are available then it may fall to friends. For the funeral home to have to have "paid attendants" carry the casket would be considered a last resort if the individual had no able bodied family or friends.

Tell Mark to consider it an very honored request,

Steve

[Shelly in MN]

When Dad died 13 years ago, Mom asked my three brothers if they would want to serve as pallbearers. They were honored to do so. Mom died 3 1/2 years ago, and they~along with Mom's brothers~served again in this capacity.

This may sound morbid to some, but I have a picture of these men lovingly carrying their mom/sister to her final earthly resting place. It is painfully beautiful and I am glad to have it.

Though not a particularly "pleasant" task, I've never heard my brothers say anything but that they are glad they did it.

:group:

[Karen in TN]

All of the funerals I've been to it as skipped a generation. The grandsons, family friends were pall bearers. The direct children and their spouses were not. I don't know if I could do that.

Karen in TN

[Rebe]

It's a beautiful thing, sad as it is. I know it'll break my heart to see my MIL's sons, maybe sons-in-law, and grandsons carrying her casket (hopefully not for many, many years), but I can't even imagine anyone else doing it. What a beautiful privilege -- a final loving gesture. If he's able to do it emotionally, I don't think he'll regret it one bit. :group:

[Rachel Jane]

It's a beautiful thing, sad as it is. I know it'll break my heart to see my MIL's sons, maybe sons-in-law, and grandsons carrying her casket (hopefully not for many, many years), but I can't even imagine anyone else doing it. What a beautiful privilege -- a final loving gesture. If he's able to do it emotionally, I don't think he'll regret it one bit. :group:

:yes:

[Paige P]

All of the funerals I've been to it as skipped a generation. The grandsons, family friends were pall bearers. The direct children and their spouses were not. I don't know if I could do that.

Karen in TN

That's me -- I've seen grandchildren, cousins, nephews, etc. be pallbearers but never children (in fact, I'm not sure that I've seen grandchildren -- maybe great-grands :confused: ). I know Jim and my bil were just pallbearers at my aunt's funeral, BUT her son, nor her grandson were pallbearers.

That's *my* experience. Maybe that's a Southern-thing :)

[TonyaP]

Everything will be on wheels and the funeral director and assistants should be right there to help. It is very common. :group: You might see if there is another family member who would be prepared to step in if your DH simply cannot go forward. I can certainly understand why he might not be able to and to have someone there to support him would be nice.

[Lindy]

This may sound morbid to some, but I have a picture of these men lovingly carrying their mom/sister to her final earthly resting place. It is painfully beautiful and I am glad to have it.

:group:

Beautifully said.

For my mom's funeral...my brother's and my dh and bil were pallbearers. My brother {pastor} officiated the service and my Dad, Yes my Dad drove his lady to the cemetery. It was not planned at all but it was the perfect way to do it...my brother, the pastor rode with him.
Actually, it's a beautiful memory and I'm happy crying now remembering...:hcry: Very sweet. And very much my Dad thing to do...he needed to do it.

[Elysa Mac]

... and my Dad, Yes my Dad drove his lady to the cemetery. It was not planned at all but it was the perfect way to do it...my brother, the pastor rode with him.
Actually, it's a beautiful memory and I'm happy crying now remembering...:hcry: Very sweet. And very much my Dad thing to do...he needed to do it.z

Oh, Lindy. That has me in tears. What a special love they must have shared.

[Rachel Jane]

Beautifully said.

For my mom's funeral...my brother's and my dh and bil were pallbearers. My brother {pastor} officiated the service and my Dad, Yes my Dad drove his lady to the cemetery. It was not planned at all but it was the perfect way to do it...my brother, the pastor rode with him.
Actually, it's a beautiful memory and I'm happy crying now remembering...:hcry: Very sweet. And very much my Dad thing to do...he needed to do it.

:hcry:

[Shannon P]

The funerals in our families have invited grandsons and grandsons-in-law as pall bearers. But these were families with several children and many grandchildren so there were enough men. I also think that age played a part. By the time they passed, their children were in their 60's, so it seemed more appropriate for the younger men to attend to the physical task even if it didn't require much strength.

These funeral services also had close family friends as honorary pall bearers in case anyone didn't feel up to the task.

If your dh agreed to it, maybe he realizes his need to be involved in bearing his sweet mother to her resting place. Is he ambivalent?

[Robin in Colorado]

My dad didn't have sons, but he had sons-in-law, and several men whom he had mentored as if they were sons. Those were the pall bearers at his funeral.

[Carol Ryan]

Tha
That's *my* experience. Maybe that's a Southern-thing :)

Paige, I think you have hit it on the head. It must be a Southern thing. I've always seen it skip a generation.

Mark is perfectly fine with this. I am concerned for my hubby. I'm probably too overprotective at this point. :hcry:

Thanks, guys! :thumb:

[Carol Ryan]

My concern for my husband is that he has not seen his mother in a very, very long time. He won't be able to see her until 9:00 a.m. on Saturday morning. The funeral begins at 11:00 a.m. that same day. I don't know if he will have been able to process his emotions in that short time.

Mark is more than willing to do this for his mother. It's me that's worried about him. I may be a silly, hovering wife. I just love him so much and know that this is going to be really hard.

Thank you all for your responses!

[Gwen in Texas]

My concern for my husband is that he has not seen his mother in a very, very long time. He won't be able to see her until 9:00 a.m. on Saturday morning. The funeral begins at 11:00 a.m. that same day. I don't know if he will have been able to process his emotions in that short time.

Mark is more than willing to do this for his mother. It's me that's worried about him. I may be a silly, hovering wife. I just love him so much and know that this is going to be really hard.

Thank you all for your responses!

I understand, Carol. I didn't think it was a good idea for the grandsons to be pallbearers for my dad. My brother explained to me that it was great for them to be able to stand up for their grandpa and carry him over. He was right. One of those hard but good things, even with my very sensitive, tenderhearted, then 13yo son.

[Shannon P]

You're a very kind, loving wife with every right to worry and love on your husband. I'd be worried if you didn't.

I hope all goes well and it's a meaningful and fulfilling good bye.:group:

[barbara r]

I think, in a way, that it's an important part of the saying goodbye for some men - a very different response to grief from a woman's. They are manfully shouldering the load, doing the duty, and demonstrating a final service for the parent they loved.

Both of my brothers served as pall bearers for each of my parents, and it seemed so appropriate at the time - so honorable and respectful. I was proud of them.

[Lisalyn]

All of the funerals I've been to it as skipped a generation. The grandsons, family friends were pall bearers. The direct children and their spouses were not. I don't know if I could do that.

Karen in TN

Same, here.

[Gwen in Texas]

I think, in a way, that it's an important part of the saying goodbye for some men - a very different response to grief from a woman's. They are manfully shouldering the load, doing the duty, and demonstrating a final service for the parent they loved.

Both of my brothers served as pall bearers for each of my parents, and it seemed so appropriate at the time - so honorable and respectful. I was proud of them.

Yes.

[laurie in ok]

:group::group::group:

[Amy in Ohio]

All of the funerals I've been to it as skipped a generation. The grandsons, family friends were pall bearers. The direct children and their spouses were not. Karen in TN

Before my grandmother passed away, she had pre-planned her funeral and asked that her grandsons and grandson-in-laws carry her casket. My husband was honored to do it. I couldn't describe it better than Shelly did in her post.....painfully beautiful. :hcry:

Praying for you all, Carol!

[Alice R]

I think it is a man thing..maybe it helps men grieve, ya know?

I don't know if it supposed to skip a generation or what but many times you have small families or families are far away so they ask whoever is close to the person.

Interesting thread

Carol, Much love and hugs to you. :group: