So, what do you do about Family and your SN child

[Robin H in VA]

What do you do about family members that think that your dc shouldn't have a diagnosis and that they think that you are just trying to make others feel 'sorry' for the child and they think that you are trying to make the child look dumb and not trying to help the child get a good education? :sad: This is how I feel with my dh side of the family. It is mainly with my mil. :eyes:

My mom and dad are okay with all of this and understand that ds has 'issues' and my brothers and my other kids are okay as well but my in-laws think that ds is too smart (which he is smart, but he has troubles) to be diagnosed with a "bad thing". My mil especially is trying REALLY hard to get dh to make me put ds in school so that he can get a 'proper' education.

My mil has a cousin that is a ps teacher and she told her cousin about ds and the cousin told her that she REALLY needs to let me know that ps would be better for ds. I know that mil means well, but I feel like she is not giving me a chance and is not giving me the benefit of the dought that I can help ds learn just as much, if not more that the ps system could.

Anytime that I try to talk to mil about our school system (the ps not our homeschool) or anything else in our community (even our Wal-Mart store) she always says 'well ours are better and you should come here instead of there. :unsure: I am not quite sure of how or what she is implimenting. She gets upset that we don't come see her very often, but it is not like she lives just around the corner, but she is not in another state either. She is about 45 minutes away from us, but dh is tired when he gets home from work and he doesn't get home until 5:00 PM and we don't eat dinner till around 6:30 or 7:00 so where are we suppose to have time to come to her house on a week night? Even the weekends are not good most weeks, but I tell dh to go on if he wants too, but he would rather stay home. :unsure:

[TonyaP]

Sounds like it's your DH's problem. Leave it with him. When my MIL tries to push me, I explain that I'm not the head of our household and that if she wants something done she'll need to talk with DH.

With regard to special needs issues, she did manage to make DH feel bad just this last week by questioning our decisions. It hurts him that she doesn't "get it." So I sent a polite letter with about 4 paragraphs of research from reputable medical sites and two paragraphs explaining that we have actually done our homework and it's hurtful to us to be questioned about our decisions. Basically it was a letter saying, "We're not going to discuss this anymore."

When dealing with someone who is not inclined to change their mind, my motto is "Do not engage." Just walk away, tell her to talk to DH and then make sure you and he are in agreement. Now- my DH will often not respond as aggressively as I'd like to some of the comments we hear, but as long as I know he's truly in agreement with me, that should be all that matters. Wanting him to be more assertive is just my flesh wishing to engage. (See above motto. ;) )

I have noticed, and I'm sure it's only natural, that when a man distances himself from his mother of his own free will, it is much easier for the mother to assume his wife is somehow responsible. It probably takes some of the hurt away- do any of us really want to think about our little boys not wanting to come see us? DH has reminded me to take note of these facts so that I will do a better job when I get my turn at being the MIL.
:group:

[ChristineM]

It is very possible for a child to have a very high intellect and be considered gifted and still have other issues - especially sensory or sensitivity issues. I have a son who is hearing impaired, has sensory issues, and has tested gifted.

I think ultimately you and dh have to make the decision without extended family for what you feel is best for dc. Having a diagnosis may not make any difference in how you teach your child but sometimes having a diagnosis helps you to be able to teach them or makes you more aware of what they need and how they process things. Family are wonderful and sometimes wonderful butt-in-skies. It is just part of family, but you have to dowhat is right for your #1 priority family!

The Out-of-Sync Child and The Out-of-Sync Child has fun. I love these books and they are a very helpful read for anyone who thinks their children have different 'issues' and can help even if a child doesn't have a diagnosed issue but are just a little bit more kinesthetic or auditory or whatever. HTH

[Cheryl in SoCal]

I'd treat it like any other time family doesn't approve of something. I'd have dh tell them that the matter is settled and not open for discussion. That they need to respect your decision and honor your request, and if they don't that your time with them will be limited. They can have their opinion but you don't want to hear about it;) You could also send articles/books in an attempt to educate if they are sincerely interested but I'd try to get my point across that they need to respect your and your dh's decision, period.

[Chalane (FL)]

Oh, that makes me so:angry: when you try to do the best for yor kid & people question your motives. I think the others are right let dh discuss this w/mil. She probably has very outdated views on special needs children, but that is her prob. not yours. You may very well have to use the decision is made & that is the end of it method esp. w/ the ps issue. I'd prob. say that we believe this is the best choice for ds & leave it at that. BTW a diagnosis makes a huge difference right now on wether or not an ins. co. has to pay for things like ABA (so a diagnosis is what is best for ds).:group:

[Robin H in VA]

Thanks

I probably should have mentioned that I am the one that makes the decisions about ds. Dh just goes along most of the time. On the subject of homeschooling, he really has no opinion one way or the other of ds stays home or goes to school.

This is dh only child, so he has no idea what it is like to put a child in school around here. I know that when my older kids were in school dh never did the homework help thing, go to conferances, PTA meetings or any of the other school stuff. That was something left up to me, after all I am the mother.

Dh just ignores most of what his mom says. I don't want to be rude to her but I don't want her to put me or ds down just because she doesn't understand SN and seems to not care to understand.

I have thought about printing some stuff out and letter her read it, but I am not sure that she would actually read it. I told her that I am still learning about all of this so it is new to me. I have never had to deal with a SN child before.

I just wished I could find a way to let her know that my decision is final and there is nothing else to say without hurting her. :unsure: Ds asked me several times today why his mawmaw wants him to go to school so bad and I told him that the only real answer that she has given me is so that he will have friends. :eyes: and that (rolling the eyes) is what ds done. :lol:

[Chalane (FL)]

Printing info may help if she is willing to read it. My parents are sometimes willing to read info (although they are very supportive and listen to my reasons for doing xyz and have been great). My exs' family isn't involved at all. Although, you will hear of some dads that assist w/decision making most of the special needs families I've run across (in 4 different states & various support org.) it's the moms making most of the medical & educational decisions; so you aren't alone.:group:

[Shannon P]

What do you do about family members that think that your dc shouldn't have a diagnosis and that they think that you are just trying to make others feel 'sorry' for the child and they think that you are trying to make the child look dumb and not trying to help the child get a good education? :sad:
So they want them to have a good (public) education, but not a diagnosis? It doesn't go both ways. If you put them in school, you would have an IEP in order for them to get services, which would require evaluations and a diagnosis.

It sounds like there are deeper issues. I'd politely close the conversation with mil and leave it to dh to handle.

[Robin H in VA]

So they want them to have a good (public) education, but not a diagnosis? It doesn't go both ways. If you put them in school, you would have an IEP in order for them to get services, which would require evaluations and a diagnosis.

It sounds like there are deeper issues. I'd politely close the conversation with mil and leave it to dh to handle.


This is exactly what I have tried to explain to her. Even if ds were in school, he would get an IEP for his issues. And I have explained that in order for him to have the IEP, he needs to be evaluated. She is okay with all of this as long as he is in public school. :angry: That is her BIGGEST issue that ds go to 'real' school and be with 'real' teachers. :mad: :mad:

I have asked her several times why she wants him to go to school and her same answer is so that ds will have friends. She thinks that we stay home ALL the time and ds is not allowed to play with other kids, but that is not the case. Ds says that he would rather be alone, which I don't like (that is the way dh grew up and it was his preferance) maybe dh mom is seeing the same thing in ds. :unsure: But dh went to public school, so I don't know how going to ps would help in not wanting to be alone by preferance? :unsure: :unsure:

[Alice R]

How much do you see her and interact with her?

Do you have to give her all the details or can you get away with not saying so much?

The issue is not just special needs but that she doesn't agree with HSing. mix that with special needs and you have an explosive situation.

I'm sorry for these problems. Family should be there to be supportive not to give you more of a headache. :group:

[Robin H in VA]

How much do you see her and interact with her?

Do you have to give her all the details or can you get away with not saying so much?

The issue is not just special needs but that she doesn't agree with HSing. mix that with special needs and you have an explosive situation.

I'm sorry for these problems. Family should be there to be supportive not to give you more of a headache. :group:



We see her a few times a month I guess, although she would like it to be more. I think if she had her way, we would move to where she lives so that we could visit everyday. :eyes:

I call her more than we see her. I call about once a week or so, dh never calls, but I think it is bc he has to use the cell phone.

I try not to give too many details. Like when ds started seeing the new 'ped'. Mil called to see how the appointment went (our consultation) and I told her that the doctor was as concerned as I was that there was something going on with ds and that she was going to refer him to a speacialist (actually 2 speacialists, the one for urology too) and I tried to explain to mil the best I could at the time what ds was going to each for. I try not to tell her too much as it is hard to get it through it seems, so if she doesn't get the answers she seeks from me, she will talk to dh and then he returns the subject to me. :eyes:

Your right, her biggest issue as I have said is that she does not want ds to be homeschooled. I have asked her why she thinks that I cannot teach him, after all I have been to college, a higher edu than my dh and she comes back and says that I am the parent, not the teacher and that ds needs to be with other children.

I use to have problems with my mom, but now that she has seen how ds really is, she agrees that homeschooling is the best thing for him. I think too that families aught to stick together and be supportive of what ever the other chooses.

I don't down my brothers and their wives for sending their children to public school, but when they call and complain to me that one of their kids is having problems with this subject or that and asks how it should be done, I just say I don't know how the school is teaching that, but this is how I would do it. Sometimes their complaints are about the teachers or school itself and I just say, well you do have a choice and it seems that you have made a choice for your family. I have even helped both my brothers look into homeschooling so that they would be more informed about it and know their other choice. But I have not said, well you should just homeschool b/c it is better than public school. When it comes to my mil, she is very NON-SUPPORTIVE of what I am doing.

[Alice R]

Robin, I think you're going to have to completely tune her out OR your husband is going to have to draw a line in the sand that she can't cross.

You can't be subjected to interrogations about HSing and special needs every time you see her. It's not healthy for you to be annoyed and upset. you have better places to put that energy.

I agree, family needs to support eachother.

And, you are right, parents can complain about school but if one HSIng mother has one tiny bump in the HSing road, it's like a whole big deal and "evidence" that you should never have started this crazy idea. :eyes: And fuel for the fire that you need to stop immediately. :eyes:

SUCH A DOUBLE STANDARD :mad:

It sounds like your MIL is exploiting this newly diagnosed special need in your son and evidence that you should not HS.

[**Chrissy**]

Ugh, we have soooo many issues with my inlaws! My fil has gotten much better about ds, but the rest are completely unsupportive and think that "autism" is just a new name for bad parenting. Of course, not many approve of our choice to homeschool, but it is crystal clear to us that there will always be a gap between what ds needs and what he actually qualifies for; the schools cannot meet his needs, so why send him at all?

[carriejoy]

Robin, I'm sorry! :group:

I have started giving "positive" answers to my mom's questions. In nearly ALL aspects of my life.

Her: "Is Wayde working outside today?" (said hopefully)
Me: "Yes!" smile
Her: "Oh good!"

It used to be:
Her: "Is Wayde working outside today?" (said hopefully)
Me: "No, he's doing ebay/calling about____/napping because he's sick...." (or any other truthful answer)
Her: "Oh... Well he really needs to ______" Said with doubt and I'm not even sure what.

So, when she asks things like "How's school going today?" I answer "Great!" And if I have any tidbit (small) to add like, "We just finished reading" then sometimes I will, but I NEVER answer with any negative or "so-so" type answers.

You may remember that Wayde injured his foot. So when he has an appointment she asks "How was his appointment?" I say "Good. It is continuing to heal." or just "Good." I try not to get into any of the issues of it. It is too hard on both of us. She is soooooo unsure aobut our lifestyle. She's a rut, 9-5, steady job type of person and Wayde and I are not so much! We really disconcert her! So, I try to alleviate her "pain" w/o having to "explain" too much of ours.

I think you'd be well served to adopt a similar attitude. Short 1 or 2 word answers to the questions can be miracle workers!

Good luck honey! I sure admire how you're fighting to get your son what he needs in the face of not a ton of support from your husband (and thankfully no fighting about it either!) and such an attitude from your MIL. :group: